Tuesday, December 08, 2009


Tired. I'm so very tired. I just want to sleep, to curl up in a ball on the cool hard ground and dream of chocolate and baseball and cute fuzzy animals that talk to me and tell me wonderful stories. But I can't. I'm so tired. All I can do is sit here and stare at the fucking wall. They won't let me sleep. No one will let me sleep. My eyes feel so sore. Sore and swollen.

I wish I could just sleep. I try. But they won't let me. They yell. They scream. They grab me and shake me and scream "Wake up you lazy fuck, this is no time to sleep. This is the time to act. Now get in there trooper and show us what you're made of." But I don't. I can't. I'm so tired. My body won't function. It needs sleep to function. Without sleep, I become useless. A useless robot. I can't function. But they won't let me sleep. They want me to act, they want me to show them what I'm made of.

But what if I'm made of shit, of garbage, or refuse. My brain is mush. My body is inanimate. It remains motionless. Its shutting down. First my feet, then my legs, then my chest and my arms and finally my head.

Not my head! As long as my head still functions, I can see, I can breathe, I can smell and hear and taste. And above all I can think. But without my head, I am nothing. A useless pile of matter. A waste of mitochondria, of cytoplasm, of nuclei. If I can shutdown separate parts of my body at different times, maybe then I can get a variation of sleep. Semi-sleep. Half-sleep. Instead of this anti-sleep. Why won't they let me sleep. My cells are shutting down, performing seppuku. They can't take it, so why should I? At least then they could be used for something worthy, like a cow or a pig.

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